I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
