i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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