A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My vagina just clenched in fear
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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