I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
