Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.