why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Everclear isn't food dammit
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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