In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
