Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
