he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
