worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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