This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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