Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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