What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
