i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My dick has a subreddit
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
