my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
