just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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