i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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