I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
