Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
