I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
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Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
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I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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