Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
