dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
