I'm lost and stupid without you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
