Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Randomize
