I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
