it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
