i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
