Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
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