ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
