i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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