so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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