A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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