I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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