Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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