I just saw a hot homeless man
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize