all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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