we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
