Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
