Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
