Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
