so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
