guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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