I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's shark week go big or go home
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
