Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
