so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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