also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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