all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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