Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
