My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
