im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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