The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
