: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
