It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
