Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
