i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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