i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
