why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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