you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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