we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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