I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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