And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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