haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
